Grieving.

To grieve is a natural thing and a healthy thing to go through when you lose someone. Grieving is difficult in any circumstance but I'd just like to focus on this. 

What happens when you need to grieve over someone who is still alive but you've lost? 

I always associated grief with losing someone that had died. But then I lost someone. I lost someone out of my life that I truly believed would be there forever. Not only did I lose them but I knew they were bad for me. I was left feeling mixed emotions when they decided to walk away from me.

Was I angry? Sad? Relived? Guilty? Anxious? I had no idea and even to this day I still don't know how I feel. 

They say there are 5 stages of grieving: 

-Denial 

-Anger 

-Bargaining 

-Depression

-Acceptance 

Everyone is different and not everyone will go through each stage or in any particular order.

For so long I was stuck in the stage of denial. I couldn't believe after so long of having that person in my life they had walked out. I didn't want to believe it I was convinced they would come back, that we could fix things. I began to doubt myself I started to think if I had done more or looked better or something then this wouldn't have happened. That was the grief talking. 

I was so deep in my emotions I could not under any circumstances see a life without this person. It wasn't possible for me. I cried too much. I had many days where I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed and face anything. I didn't eat. I wasn't sleeping. I didn't want to see anyone. I felt so lost and alone. I felt like my whole world had come crashing down and the only person I wanted to turn to was the person who had left. I felt the pain in my heart so intensely. As time went on every time I thought about the situation I felt angry. I wanted to hurt them as they hurt me. I remember playing out conversations in my head of all the things I would say if I had the chance. But none of it would have made a difference so I kept quiet. I stayed away. I let the anger build up inside of me to the point I was hurting the people I cared about. I was putting all my anger that I had towards the situation on to them and they couldn't understand it. But I needed a place to get rid of the feelings. The words that were shouted out of my mouth cut deeper than a knife, all directed at the wrong people. There are many times I feel I'm still stuck in this anger phase. Why would someone choose to hurt me this way? Other times times I fall more in to acceptance and knowing that things happen for a reason even if I don't know what that reason is. A lot of the time I feel like I'm on a see-saw, going between two stages but never really settling or feeling comfortable in a certain place. I wasn't ready to let go of the anger as it was still so strong. The self doubt, in time began to fade though. Slowly I realised that nothing I could have done would have stopped that person leaving. That was the plan all along. They knew that and maybe deep down I did too. I knew it was temporary but I so wanted to believe it was more meaningful than that. We went backwards and forwards having contact and then not but in the end I suppose I found a middle ground between anger and acceptance. I cut contact completely. I needed time to grieve over this someone that was still out there somewhere, going about life as if I had always been a stranger. But we weren't strangers. I don't know what we were but we were definitely something. I still feel angry, I still feel hurt. But I feel better. I feel like I am moving forward. I don't cry for them anymore. I don't wonder what they are doing because I focus on myself. I don't doubt if I was good enough anymore because I was. I don't quite feel like myself though. You see it's amazing how much power one person can have over you. They took a piece of me when they left, a piece that I thought for so long I needed back but I'm good. They can keep that. I'm slowly but surely putting every broken piece back together just fine on my own. 

The whole point of this is to show that we must normalise grieving over someone who is still alive. 

You have still lost them, it will still hurt. You will still feel things. Please allow yourself to feel. As painful as it may be and as much as you want to avoid it. It needs to be felt. Grieving is difficult and it can be hard to figure out who you are without that person. It can feel scary but this is your time. We all get one shot at this life. One chance. Take all the time you need to grieve but never forget where you are heading and breathe into this new life you are going to create for yourself. Keep the good memories close to your heart and give yourself time. There is no time limit for healing. 

You got this :)