Brave to be Borderline

Brave to be borderline

I love you. I hate you. Go away. Don’t leave me... 

I struggle with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder and that’s what this post is all about. BPD/EUPD is something that causes a lot of stigma, it’s confusing, complex and it changes from person to person. Because how exhausting must it be to have a Disorder that effects your personality? The personality you’ve spent your life trying to create and find yourself with. I’ll tell you this it is horrible. 

I was diagnosed with EUPD last year. When I got the diagnosis I was confused but it did explain a lot. Some days I can be on top of the world in the best mood, feeling so strong and able to take on anything. Other days I am crying in my bedroom refusing to eat, drink or speak to anyone and convinced I’m at rock bottom. There is no in between. One of the struggles some people find with this disorder is it’s very black&white. Good or bad. Amazing or terrible. No middle ground. That is hard. When I feel emotions I feel them so intensely and sometimes I can’t express them which frustrates me much more. I can’t control them either. 

Everybody has an impulsive streak within them but for people who suffer with this disorder being impulsive is almost the nature of it. Which can lead to things not being thought through properly, bad things happening without considering consequences. That is scary for us. 

I can’t speak for everybody who has this disorder as it varies so much. But I do believe that we aren’t the minority and many people suffer with this, many undiagnosed. But when we love, we love with everything we’ve got. Admittedly when we hurt it has the same affect but we can see the world differently and embrace it in a different way. Everything is exciting and amazing even something that seems so small to somebody else. And no I’m not romanticising this disorder it can be exhausting and difficult and feel like hell at times. But there’s such a beautiful side to the feelings we feel when they are good ones. 

So if at any point you feel alone in this journey of BPD/EUPD I promise you are not. It can be worked on with the right support you can find coping mechanisms, healthy ones. You can reach out for this as much as any other mental illness. 

It can be and will be the beautiful life you have been waiting for💚 

Don’t give up 👑 

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